Dire Straits

It occurred me yesterday (as well as to other students at the TKD school) that there are very few people eligible for the adult promotion test this September. Besides me, we could think of two or three people, only.

Oh yeah, I'm not testing. Even if most likely I'll be eligible...

True. So True.

"This uniform can't do a thing. The uniform does not make us--we make the uniform. The uniform does not make the person that is wearing it. Putting too much faith in the uniform and not in yourself--you're focused on the wrong thing.

People won't listen to you because you're wearing that uniform."

And Sing Aloud

Working at the front desk at the CCE has its merits and pitfalls. On one hand, I think I am close to casting off my fear of talking to people on phones. In person, easy. On email, simple. Yet there is something about listening to a disembodied voice that creeps me out. I rely a lot more on people's facial expressions than I think in conversations.

It's pretty quiet here over the summer. Even during the school year the CCE experiences its moments of solitude, sometimes to the point when I don't believe the office is actually located inside the student center. Mostly now the visitors I get are confused summer camp participants looking for the mail center, or Pipeline interns who need to print out materials for classes. Both groups are nice, so I'm not complaining much.

Before the last round of betatesting material comes in tomorrow, I'm mostly sitting here by myself trying to keep busy. I wish I brought my LSAT book with me so I could do practice problems.

All at Once

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Let's face it. I was exhausted this past semester trying to do both TKD and Karate at once. Having to spend eight hours of my life in martial arts meant that I improved vastly in my techniques, but it left me missing dinners with my friends, eating out all the time, and showering late.

Looking back now, perhaps I didn't prioritize properly. After canceling my LSAT score this summer, I need more time than ever to study.

My parents want me to pay for part of school, and this is only manageable if I work a job and don't spend $80/month paying for TKD + food expenses.

On top of that, I still have academic obligations, which are more rigorous this year with Econometrics on my plate.

Finally, Karate will need my attention more than ever, since Sensei is due to leave at the end of this semester (or even sooner!) for Afghanistan, and I need to fulfill my role as Vice President of the club.

All signs point towards quitting TKD, at least for the moment. At least day by day the decision I must make is getting less painful. Hopefully, some of the drills I've learned in TKD can carry over to Karate, thus making the experience better for new and current students.

I'm not good with change. But it's going to have to be change I can believe in.

Finally

It's 11:21 AM, and I've run out of things to write for DemiDec, but that's okay, because it means I'm finally finished with the flashcard templates!

Last week I did a lot of soul-searching about what direction I wanted to take in TKD. I was so caught up in the self-imposed pressure to get a black belt that the stress was making me crack. I wanted to be a black belt for three reasons:

1) I didn't like being the only non-black belt in class. It felt incredibly isolating, especially when other black belts would make comments like, "Oh, this would be black belt class, minus you." Gee, thanks.

2) I wanted not only to teach but to have the respect of the people I was teaching. I felt like if I had a black belt people would respect me more.

3) Somehow, after attending two black belt parties and hearing the loved ones speak, I somehow imagined that my parents could come to Amherst, watch me get a black belt, and finally see that martial arts isn't a huge waste of time.

Thus, I truly believed that earning my black belt would solve all these problems. Yet the few weaknesses in this thinking were that I wasn't going to get one for sure, and even if I did succeed it would a long, long time. In the meantime, I was driving myself nuts trying to be someone I was not.

In an elaboration of my last post, I am not afraid to be different. Most importantly, I am not afraid to be myself. This takes care of #1. As for #2, I don't want people to respect me by appearance only. I want to gain their respect by being a good instructor who is enthusiastic and patient (almost). And finally, as for #3, I doubt my parents would change their mind about anything in my life they disagree with, so I'll just have to accept that.

To show to myself that I love martial arts, I have decided not to test for rank anymore, but to continue studying. Already the decision has brought me peace, and I hope it will continue to do so in the future.

HAHA

What I Learned This Week

I don't need extrinsic rewards for activities I truly love.

I am not afraid to be different.

I am not afraid to be myself.