Summer, Reprise

My summer plans are finally set now, for the most part. I am excited to be staying around Amherst again doing what makes me happy.

May 11-June 8th:
Prep for LSAT
TKD

June/July:
Research for Professor Machala
Front desk team at CCE
DemiDec flashcards!
TKD

August:
China
Squad Leader @ freshman orientation 2009 - 29th
TKD

Some Milestones

I spoke to my sister for the first time in months. I do miss her. A lot.

Rush

I need to have more adventure in my life. Sometimes I think I should have at least applied to West Point, where things seem so much more exciting and unpredictable. Sometimes I think I need to take more risks, to get out of my comfort zone, so that I can really live and find out who I am as a person.

I'm somewhat dissatisfied with the fact that I've gotten into a routine. Everything here is so familiar to me that I could go through the day with my eyes blindfolded and still have no problem. I once wrote about how life was not meant to be filed away in neat folders, how predictability meant no new discoveries.

So what is there to do now? I'm on the lookout for new opportunities, for things I can do that are outside of my comfort zone but that will also provide me with the excitement that I crave so desperately. Life seems so routine...

I need to amp it up. AMP UP LIFE!

I'll Follow You...

The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark...

Summer days driftin' away

Today I spoke to my parents for the first time since over three months ago. They wanted me to come back to Texas after school was out to prepare for the LSAT in early June. When I said I had already registered for a testing site in Mount Holyoke College, my mom asked (but thankfully, didn't accuse) me of why I didn't want to go home. How can I tell her the great amount of pain they've both caused me? I can't. How can I tell her that every time I think of the past, I feel so hurt and vulnerable? I can't. How can I tell her that ever since I've come to Amherst, everything I've done that's not according to what they've wanted, they've given me grief? I can't. How can I tell them that I told my friends to hide details of my life when they visited, so I wouldn't hear any more criticism than I already had to? I can't.

I'm already going back to China with them for three weeks. I don't have a choice. It's my grandfather's 80th birthday, and besides, I miss my sister. I miss China. I certainly don't miss my parents--unfortunately, I only see them at this point as people who really don't know how much damage they can cause. I see them as people that I don't trust.

I don't think my parents will ever understand.

To Tracy, who loves classes outdoors -LD

Today was one of those beautiful, sunny Amherst spring days. We had class outside for TKD, which would have been cool had I not been so sleep deprived and my perfectionism was not acting up so much. Also, since I wasn't wearing proper running shoes (my skirt did not call for tennis shoes), the run from the dojang to the town commons was a little tenuous at best and horrible on my knees at worst. Still, we got quite a few stares and a few car honks on the way there. It was a typical class in every other way, minus the parts where I got grass stains and where I messed up on every single one of my forms! I suppose the numerous mistakes ruined what was otherwise a great class--oh well. Eric says there will be more classes outdoors when the weather is nice and when we get permission, so hopefully by then I'll have a better attitude and perhaps more practice of my forms!!!

David did cheer me up a bit, mainly because he identified the source of my frustration. It feels like lately I've been stuck in a rut for martial arts. Don't get me wrong--I am still passionate about it, but at the same time, it doesn't feel like I've been working as hard. Apparently, I'm going through a mid-rank crisis. It's kind of like a mid-life crisis, but only with relation to rank. Basically, the gist of a mid-rank crisis is when you are in the middle of ranks--you're no longer enjoying the wonder and attention you get as a beginner student, but you're not ready yet to take responsibility like the senior students. You're kind of stuck in the middle.

Plus, the techniques and forms take a drastic turn in terms of difficulty. I experienced this a little when I had to struggle through side kick and hook kick, but now the kicks are even crazier and test things more intensively: balance (cat stance) and strength (more techniques in one kick). The self-defenses are no longer the simple wrist grabs, but what I feel at this point to be more complex ones: rear choke, front choke, and lapel grab. Finally, the forms are no longer as robotic or mechanic, and they incorporate several new techniques that I am unfamiliar with.

So in one way this is the mid-life crisis, or the realization that just when you thought you knew tae kwon do, you don't really know tae kwon do. And I admit, it can be discouraging. But now that I know what the problem is, I can work to find a solution. And the first thing I'm going to do is stop complaining so dang much and start practicing! Then if I'm really not getting it still, I can feel a little frustrated (that's human) with justification, and then ask for more help.

That's All

Life is better when I have people like David and my little sister to love me.

Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

Hypothetically speaking, if someone new came to study at your tae kwon do school, and you had no idea of his history, would you believe his black belt was truly from the TKD style?

Hypothetically, think of the evidence to the contrary:

• No knowledge of any TKD forms, let alone the black belt forms. ITF and WTF, the only two organizations that certify black belts and establish the requirements for promotion, mention forms as a crucial element of the art. Furthermore, TKD is unique in that it is completely standardized. Unlike Karate, there are not a multitude of styles (for ex: Isshinryu Karate v. Shorin-Ryu)

Other circumstantial evidence to the contrary:

• Unfamiliarity with front stance
• Unfamiliarity with certain advanced kicks

But, this is all hypothetical, right? And on some philosophical level, does it even matter? Belt colors aren't supposed to mean much at all...

Krinkle Chips Aren't that Great but Still Edible

I'm worried about a few things right now. My mom's stress level has gone through the roof, and she's sick now because of it. I still need an internship for the summer. Then again, I've been through worse.

I Love You Oh-So-Well

Oh Lyrics
Dave Matthews

The world is blowing up
The world is caving in
The world has lost her way again
But you are here with me
But you are here with me
Makes it ok

I hear you still talk to me
As if you're sitting in that dusty chair
Makes the hours easier to bear
I know despite the years alone
I'll always listen to you sing your sweet song
And if it's all the same to you

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell
Love you oh so well

And it's cold and darkness falls
It's as if you're in the next room so alive
I could swear I hear you singing to me

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell

The world is blowing up
The world is caving in
The world has lost her way again
But you are here with me
But you are here with me
Makes it ok

Oh girl you're singing to me still
I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell
Love you oh so well