Finally

It's 11:21 AM, and I've run out of things to write for DemiDec, but that's okay, because it means I'm finally finished with the flashcard templates!

Last week I did a lot of soul-searching about what direction I wanted to take in TKD. I was so caught up in the self-imposed pressure to get a black belt that the stress was making me crack. I wanted to be a black belt for three reasons:

1) I didn't like being the only non-black belt in class. It felt incredibly isolating, especially when other black belts would make comments like, "Oh, this would be black belt class, minus you." Gee, thanks.

2) I wanted not only to teach but to have the respect of the people I was teaching. I felt like if I had a black belt people would respect me more.

3) Somehow, after attending two black belt parties and hearing the loved ones speak, I somehow imagined that my parents could come to Amherst, watch me get a black belt, and finally see that martial arts isn't a huge waste of time.

Thus, I truly believed that earning my black belt would solve all these problems. Yet the few weaknesses in this thinking were that I wasn't going to get one for sure, and even if I did succeed it would a long, long time. In the meantime, I was driving myself nuts trying to be someone I was not.

In an elaboration of my last post, I am not afraid to be different. Most importantly, I am not afraid to be myself. This takes care of #1. As for #2, I don't want people to respect me by appearance only. I want to gain their respect by being a good instructor who is enthusiastic and patient (almost). And finally, as for #3, I doubt my parents would change their mind about anything in my life they disagree with, so I'll just have to accept that.

To show to myself that I love martial arts, I have decided not to test for rank anymore, but to continue studying. Already the decision has brought me peace, and I hope it will continue to do so in the future.