It's 11:21 AM, and I've run out of things to write for DemiDec, but that's okay, because it means I'm finally finished with the flashcard templates!
Last week I did a lot of soul-searching about what direction I wanted to take in TKD. I was so caught up in the self-imposed pressure to get a black belt that the stress was making me crack. I wanted to be a black belt for three reasons:
1) I didn't like being the only non-black belt in class. It felt incredibly isolating, especially when other black belts would make comments like, "Oh, this would be black belt class, minus you." Gee, thanks.
2) I wanted not only to teach but to have the respect of the people I was teaching. I felt like if I had a black belt people would respect me more.
3) Somehow, after attending two black belt parties and hearing the loved ones speak, I somehow imagined that my parents could come to Amherst, watch me get a black belt, and finally see that martial arts isn't a huge waste of time.
Thus, I truly believed that earning my black belt would solve all these problems. Yet the few weaknesses in this thinking were that I wasn't going to get one for sure, and even if I did succeed it would a long, long time. In the meantime, I was driving myself nuts trying to be someone I was not.
In an elaboration of my last post, I am not afraid to be different. Most importantly, I am not afraid to be myself. This takes care of #1. As for #2, I don't want people to respect me by appearance only. I want to gain their respect by being a good instructor who is enthusiastic and patient (almost). And finally, as for #3, I doubt my parents would change their mind about anything in my life they disagree with, so I'll just have to accept that.
To show to myself that I love martial arts, I have decided not to test for rank anymore, but to continue studying. Already the decision has brought me peace, and I hope it will continue to do so in the future.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
What I Learned This Week
I don't need extrinsic rewards for activities I truly love.
I am not afraid to be different.
I am not afraid to be myself.
I am not afraid to be different.
I am not afraid to be myself.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Jealousy
Jealousy is an interesting thing. I've learned a lot about it over the years. It first started when my mom would compare me to all of the high-achieving kids. It didn't matter what age they were--as long as she thought they were doing better than me, she would let me know her wish for me to be at their level. Needless to say, after enduring years of this mindset, it has been hard for me to shake it off in recent years, when I am mostly free of her nagging but not of myself.
I did a little thinking about jealousy today, and what martial arts has taught me about it. Unlike my Karate school, where everyone is the same age, Tae Kwon Do has several children who have attained the rank of black belt. Sometimes, when I look at these black belts almost half my age, I feel a mixture of annoyance and anger. In other words, I feel jealous. I never got the chance to start martial arts early. I always knew since 9th grade that I wanted to do martial arts, but my parents didn't let me. I train with this deprivation in mind every day, and it is both a blessing and curse to my motivation. In some ways, when I look at those younger kids, I know in my heart that I could have been just as good as them if only I had started sooner.
This wistful phrase is something I hear from some of the older people I train with as well. Sometimes when I do a form well, they always say, "Wow, I wish I had started sooner." Yet until now I have not really confronted the fact that I have the same mindset when I see the younger black belts and deputies. Until now, I have not really realized how silly all of this is.
There is a sign in the Amherst College exercise room that reads, "Keep your eyes on your own treadmill." It is addressed to all 1600+ of the high-achieving population that may step on the treadmill. Amherst College students are freakishly competitive, though rarely obnoxious in the process. Still, to be discouraged by or jealous of someone who is running faster and longer can have disastrous consequences. Not only can physical injury result, but mental confidence can wane as well.
Slowly, like today, I am learning how to keep my eyes on my own treadmill. Yes, he may have a higher rank than I do. Yes, he looks "perfect." Yes, he is younger. But how does that really affect me? I already push myself hard enough--I don't need extrinsic motivation like this to keep me going, or more accurately, drive myself to the point of insanity. This epiphany is doing wonders for my self confidence in martial arts. Though few things in life are certain, I remain determined to earn my black belt in TKD and Karate, and each day I practice, I do so with bold assurance that my hard work will eventually pay off.
Are you jealous? You shouldn't be.
I did a little thinking about jealousy today, and what martial arts has taught me about it. Unlike my Karate school, where everyone is the same age, Tae Kwon Do has several children who have attained the rank of black belt. Sometimes, when I look at these black belts almost half my age, I feel a mixture of annoyance and anger. In other words, I feel jealous. I never got the chance to start martial arts early. I always knew since 9th grade that I wanted to do martial arts, but my parents didn't let me. I train with this deprivation in mind every day, and it is both a blessing and curse to my motivation. In some ways, when I look at those younger kids, I know in my heart that I could have been just as good as them if only I had started sooner.
This wistful phrase is something I hear from some of the older people I train with as well. Sometimes when I do a form well, they always say, "Wow, I wish I had started sooner." Yet until now I have not really confronted the fact that I have the same mindset when I see the younger black belts and deputies. Until now, I have not really realized how silly all of this is.
There is a sign in the Amherst College exercise room that reads, "Keep your eyes on your own treadmill." It is addressed to all 1600+ of the high-achieving population that may step on the treadmill. Amherst College students are freakishly competitive, though rarely obnoxious in the process. Still, to be discouraged by or jealous of someone who is running faster and longer can have disastrous consequences. Not only can physical injury result, but mental confidence can wane as well.
Slowly, like today, I am learning how to keep my eyes on my own treadmill. Yes, he may have a higher rank than I do. Yes, he looks "perfect." Yes, he is younger. But how does that really affect me? I already push myself hard enough--I don't need extrinsic motivation like this to keep me going, or more accurately, drive myself to the point of insanity. This epiphany is doing wonders for my self confidence in martial arts. Though few things in life are certain, I remain determined to earn my black belt in TKD and Karate, and each day I practice, I do so with bold assurance that my hard work will eventually pay off.
Are you jealous? You shouldn't be.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Progressing Nicely
Things in TKD are progressing nicely. Yesterday, in weapons class, I finished learning tournament bo, and only hit myself three or four times in the process.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Really?
I am a little sad that I won't be going to Montreal with David before I leave for China. My passport is still in the visa backlog and won't get back to me in time for our July vacation. I guess there is still another chance that I can go during Thanksgiving vacation, but it won't be the same. For now I'll try not to think about how disappointed David will be.
Other than that, things have been decent. We went to Judie's restaurant last Friday and ate for free, since Professor Ishii gave Mingzi his leftover "student entertainment funds." I had a guacamole sandwich (chicken, bacon, lettuce, mayo, and guacamole) and shared a Bomba dessert with David (a white chocolate shell filled with three different types of sherbet.) Saturday was interesting too--after working two hours at the Political Science office alphabetizing books, I went to move wood at Andy's house. Logs can be incredibly heavy after two hours, but since I got paid $35, it was worth it. Still, I learned that I probably never want to stack wood again. My shoulder hurt for two days after!
Sunday I stayed at David's house and was incredibly unproductive. It wasn't David's fault--mostly mine, since I kept on getting distracted, was unmotivated to work, and napped for 3 1/2 hours straight. Near the evening I started getting my end-of-weekend blues and shed a few tears over why my parents couldn't like David, but I think now that I'm in the thick of Monday's work it's a little better. Sort of.
Other than that, things have been decent. We went to Judie's restaurant last Friday and ate for free, since Professor Ishii gave Mingzi his leftover "student entertainment funds." I had a guacamole sandwich (chicken, bacon, lettuce, mayo, and guacamole) and shared a Bomba dessert with David (a white chocolate shell filled with three different types of sherbet.) Saturday was interesting too--after working two hours at the Political Science office alphabetizing books, I went to move wood at Andy's house. Logs can be incredibly heavy after two hours, but since I got paid $35, it was worth it. Still, I learned that I probably never want to stack wood again. My shoulder hurt for two days after!
Sunday I stayed at David's house and was incredibly unproductive. It wasn't David's fault--mostly mine, since I kept on getting distracted, was unmotivated to work, and napped for 3 1/2 hours straight. Near the evening I started getting my end-of-weekend blues and shed a few tears over why my parents couldn't like David, but I think now that I'm in the thick of Monday's work it's a little better. Sort of.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
